Gay Fathers of Toronto

“It would just break their hearts to know.”

“They're just too old to accept this.”

“There's no reason for them to know.”

According to Robert Barret and Bryan Robinson in their book entitled Gay Fathers, thinking this way cuts you off from a truly honest, loving relationship with your parents. Nevertheless coming out to our parents is no easy chore. Some of us have done it, some of us will find a time, some of us won't. Responses can range from “If you're gay, just don't come home again” and “I've wondered if he was gay for years” to “It hurts me to think of the years he has struggled with this by himself. If I had only known, maybe I could have helped him not feel so alone and afraid.”

None of us feel comfortable about giving or getting advice. Our experiences are different. Even if we have listened carefully, with love and empathy, to all of the details another man has described, we can only guess at what might be helpful to him.

Still, there are some general truths to hold onto as we all struggle with the dilemma of being married yet feeling sexually attracted to men.

"Fear of Transformation" comes from Danaan Perry's book Essene Book of Days. Nothing in it is specific to being gay or being a father. Rather it describes the fear and exhilaration of life altering changes. Using the metaphor of the high-llying trapeze act, it describes the terror of letting go, sailing across the abyss, and the self-discovery from grabbing onto the next trapeze.

The feared consequences of coming out - especially for men who have created a families - can be terrifying yet irresistible. This essay describes both the allure and the fear.

Bonnie Kay, the author, was once married to a gay man, and has written books about the impact of discovering that a spouse is gay / lesbian.

On the whole Kay has a gay-positive outlook, but her primary focus is the straight spouse: the devastating impact of "wondering" and then the difficult adjustment after the discovery that those suspicions were true.

This is a useful read for gay men to gain some insight to the emotions their wives experience both before and after the husband comes out. Her website might be beneficial to the straight spouse if she is looking for sources of support.